Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Living in the NOW

I've been falling into a little mental rut lately, or actually, two ruts if you will.
I often find myself reminising about the "Glory Days" (basically high school) OR what people would like to call "Wishing My Life Away". Now don't get me wrong, it's great to remember all the good times you've had, and it's even better to have dreams and goals. But for me, this has gone to a level much more deep and troubling than just that, and gosh darn it I will stop! I must stop because it's getting ridiculous, and to be blatantly honest, it's been making me a depressed Amber, and not the bouncy, happy Amber.
Let me explain a little further. In high school, dancing, singing and cheerleading was my life. MY LIFE. That is no more. It's been a struggle dealing with it too. Church choir just doesn't seem to "do it" for me, and now that I'm married, dance and cheer are for one, not financially feasible, and two, my time is better spent on my husband, church callings, work, and homework even if I did have the money. This is rut numero uno.
Rut numero dos: I cannot stop thinking about babies. I swear, I feel like everyone is pregnant. Everyone is having a baby (I had THREE shower invites just for October-THREE) and that's just here in Texas, not counting everyone I know in Arizona and friends from Utah. Baby makin is becoming a serious deal, and apparantly I missed the memo. Not only that, but I have prayed, I have fasted, and I have prayed and fasted almost EVERY month and the answer is stronger and stronger: Not Yet. I don't get the answer "No" (thank heaven!) just "Not Yet". I cannot deny how strong that answer has been. Why not now? I have no idea. Actually, I do. I'm supposed to finish school. So here's rut number two: I dream and dream of the day I will finally be done with school so I can be a mom.
Here's the problem, and this is why this MUST stop: I am totally neglecting all of the many blessings I'm able to enjoy right here, right now in the present, because I'm either locked away in the past or future. So to help myself get out of this mind set, I'm going to make a little list of why I love my life right now:
1. I can write this blog without having a baby cry in the other room or someone running up to me because "so and so" flicked a booger on the other "so and so".
2. I basically get to do whatever I want on my own schedule.
3. I AM MARRIED. One dream accomplished.
4. I have the opportunity to finish my education! I love school, and love learning.
5. I get to travel whenever I want to.
6. I get to run a million errands without buckling children in and out of carseats a million times and I don't have to deal with the two year old meltdown in the check out line (win!)
7. I get my husband all to myself.
8. I have made great friends here in Texas, and I get to hang out with them and their sweet kiddos all the time.
9. I nanny for the BEST family in the ENTIRE universe!!! Those three sweet babies are my everything. All the laughs and cries over little boo boos and all the runny noses really make me feel like I'm making a difference to someone that really matters to me. How I love those sweet kids and their parents. I dread the day I have to say goodbye.
10. I can have a craft sprawled out all over the table or floor and do it all day long without having anyone stop me.
11. I get to do SO MANY fun recreational things with my hubby and his family! They are so so so much fun! I'm glad my husband is so active and brings back those fun active times for me.
12. Less laundry. Nuf said. I. hate. laundry. I told Steven that once he's on full salary in 8 years that the first person I would consider to help around the house is a laundry lady. I hate it THAT much. I'd rather clean a million toilets than do the laundry, yes seriously.
13. Less messes! Although, my cat does a great job at messing up the apartment. I got home today and discovered that he had gotten into the cheeze-it box and there were cheeze-its scattered all over my kitchen floor. I swear...his cute fuzzy face saves his life sometimes...
See? Lots to be greatful for and lots of fun things about my life! I feel better already :) I think I should make this a mental exercise every single day. Today is the first day of conquering my mental "illness". Here's to many many more!
-AN

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